I know you might not mean it, but the way you word your question sounds extremely condescending to me. If you just want to make a joke, I doubt this is the audience you target. If you genuinely just want honest advice, all I can say is that:
1. Just forget about remote work. Most companies are resuming on-site work, so even if there's companies that are allowing you to work remotely right now, I highly doubt they would still do so 6 months later
2. As an entry-level software engineer, most of the time, you wouldn't be able to contribute anything immediately at a corporate level, so it's almost a given that they will have to train you before you can actually complete any task. However, depending on what you work on, the amount of time you can have to adjust and the level of effort being put to train you would vary massively. Unless you ask for a specific company, I don't think anyone here can provide you a concrete answer.
3. This is a side note, but I found your asks a bit hilarious. If someone really has information on a job that fits all you criteria, I highly suspect that such gem would surface on this platform in the first place. You are just asking ourself to be scammed man 😆